Dear readers,
You are glorious, often lithesome, and most definitely, when a conscious effort is made, cut an imposing figure. Thank you so much for your contribution thus far. Of course it's all worthless - a sad, shrugging-of-shoulders acceptance of the inevitable. An avoidance of the real question at hand. What can be done to maintain the tenuous harmony of the earth? Will it help if I choose paper instead of plastic? Should I save the seal pups or club them to death? Must I fashionably convert to something fashionable or remain refreshingly true to my down-home roots? Regarding this dilemma, for advice apt and true, still I wait.
To address the misguided but treasured comments deposited here after my last post:
Ashley,
I haven’t reenacted anything from Big. I have danced in the hip-hop style to current radio hits while working a lavish in-store bar mitzvah…outfitted in my toy soldier uniform. So, sadly, there is far too much video of me “dropping it like it’s hot” when it was actually very, very hot inside the woolen costume and furry “bearskin cap.” Without a doubt this will resurface to bite me in the ass, perhaps as early as later on today.
Paula,
Your commitment to my immortalization is endearing. However, it doesn’t compare to the brick by brick, floorboard by floorboard reproduction of the auditorium at Dalhart Junior High School undertaken by my mother to commemorate my stint as MC for a very special 8th grade voice recital, during which I sang Streisand’s “People” and “Memory” from Andrew Lloyd Webber’s much-loved, much-maligned Cats.
Michael,
Please don’t leave any comments on my blog regarding panty-shots. They may shrug at your vulgarity down in Tennessee, but here in NYC we still care a thing or two about genteelness and decency.
Adam,
A very sagacious warning addressing overexposure, albeit a belated one. If only I could have received these words two years ago. That said, the swimsuit issue of Focus on the Family magazine is my favorite. Where else can you find Joyce Meyers, Anne Graham Lotz, and Rick Warren grace the glossy pages in tasteful, Christian-appropriate bathing suits that are not only comfortable and flattering but also do not lead to covetousness because the line and cut of the garment encourage the glorification of the Heavenly Father? Also, a reliable highlight in this annual issue is the unveiling of Ted Haggard’s always-enjoyable line of swimwear and intimate apparel for men.
And remember, a d.a.vid a day keeps the doctor at bay. (If that’s true, then I guess it’s up to me to provide a d.a.vid a day. Is it too early in my career to justify the services of a ghostwriter?)
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6 comments:
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Scariest icon (arent they called avitars or something?) I have ever seen in my life.
Fortunately it doesn't really matter, so you can stop worrying. We're still colder than we were 600 years ago.
Ergo, I implore you to keep blogging regularly, partly because I've just told all my audience to read you.
Didn't you get the memo? Mystery is the new celebrity. Start cultivating your enigma...
All right, listen. Here's what you need to do, and you have start tomorrow because this will take awhile. You need to adopt one child from every country on the planet. If you do this, then your celebrity genius will be overshadowed by your good will. So put all the countries in little plastic baggy and start drawing.
Adoption might be something of a cliché considering the current celebrity scene, but I like where you're heading. Perhaps what the world needs from me is a high-profile foster home. This way my contribution will be slightly innovative, and I'll be able to beat those others in the numbers game. Just think of the photo ops!
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