The hard truth is ushering in the end times.

So I've had some time to consider the (non)response to my last post. Frankly, I found it difficult to believe that my blog has had no affect whatsoever on whatsoanyone. That's crazy talk and utter paranoia. I've seen the dramatic reversals in your medical charts. I've been there when your slimy newborns reluctantly push out into the cold fluorescent light of the hospital room. I've witnessed you painstakingly sneak-up on and attack orphans and stray puppies. I know my words are not falling void.

But something was not right. I began to mull over the possibilities, and one glaring conclusion out-glared all others. I am sorry for not seeing the signs earlier, for not helping you out when your silent cries of silence tore through cyberspace in an attempt to pull me out of my inattentive slumber.

I know that you, my readers, are illiterate. Please, don't be ashamed that I have uncovered the "hard truth." We cannot hide behind social decorum anymore. Do not tentatively turn your face from me, little ones. Look me in the eye. Stay proud. Many people, for many reasons, never learn to read nor write and, therefore, are unable to join functioning society and post comments on spectacular blogs when the blogger requests a little reader response. It's not your fault. Let's blame your parents. Parents! Damn the parents! Oh...damn!

But today I make the pledge that you, oh reader, will learn how to discern an A from a Z and a Z from a Zed. I will not leave you impoverished and abandoned on the streets, feet feebly wrapped in yesterday's newspapers to ward off the approaching gangrene. No, no - my homeless shall beam with pride as they read to passerby the headlines running along their decaying soles. My heart aches to think of you straining to find meaning in the foreign characters and imposing symbols scattered across my pages. You longed for a simple picture and feared the appearance of a cartoon with a caption. Today I understand it all so well. I was a negligent friend and mentor. But no more. I am going to teach you the alphabet, beginning now.

I love you, and I want to change your life for the better. But I can't help you if you continue to resist me. Remember, I know what's best.

Repeat to yourself, "d.a.vid knows what's best. d.a.vid knows what's best. I like it when he puts his hand upon my thigh. d.a.vid knows what's best."