My doodles are ushering in the end times [1].

Now, don't worry. That title isn't scatological. (Sorry, Ashley.) Although, for those of you whose mind hadn't gone there, now it has. (Sorry, everyone else.)

If you know me, you know that I draw all the time or drew all the time - a frequent doodler. An eye here. A stiletto there. A lady adorned with tribal patterns (tribal patterns as stylized in the mind of a 21st century white boy) on the back of this English notebook. A bloated tableau of my high school classmates caught in various compromising positions and ridiculous constructions entitled "Physics Extravaganza" on the surface of that chalkboard. Do I remember the title correctly, Mr. Green?

Beginning my last year of undergrad I embarked on a somber series of single-pane cartoons which, for the most part, I alone found amusing. So encouraged by this tepid response was I that I continued to produce additional cartoons all through grad school until I had pieced together a trifling portfolio. With the scant adoration of my peers expanding the sails of my confidence, I submitted these cartoons to St. John's student-published weekly, The Gadfly. Here is a rough draft of the cover letter:

Not exactly a confident sell, is it. But I still had hope that at least one undergraduate in the editorial staff would respond warmly, and I would open the paper on a Wednesday in the near future and view one of my published cartoons with pleasure (immense) and surprise (mild). Perhaps it was the wound-licking cover letter or the quality of the cartoons themselves. Or maybe it was the inclusion of full-frontal nudity or the consistent reliance on gallows humor. But my little gems were not published, and my submission was never acknowledged. (In case you're wondering - and why wouldn't you be - "GI" is Graduate Institute not Government Issue. Oorah!)

However, your first mistake was assuming the past lies dormant. Your second, pairing those pants with that top. And your third, believing him when he said, "I love you." I will now use the immense power given to me by this new medium to rectify the oversight, the injustice and post highlights from this brilliant collection (or the whole damn thing - you won't know the difference). Take this into consideration: the humor, if present, is inappropriate and slight, and some are more observational than funny. But I still like 'em, and you just might.